Humility! What a wicked gang are we!

Blah, I hate two-a-days. They make me tired and hungry. At least it's a lot of working out.

My roommate kept me up until 4 this morning eating an entire bag of Chex mix (EW) and shuffling her papers around "studying". She was so loud, chewing with her mouth open and stuff, it made me never want to eat again. Then I slept through class and woke up right before my first round of track practice. I ran over to the pool and made it just on time. I don't practice again until 4 and since I didn't have a chance to grab an apple and some water before practice I was hungry, so I went to our dining hall and ate. I had a vegan dog, two little tortillas with pico, pasta and a jelly roll. I felt so disgusting I came back to my room and purged. I think got rid of most of it. I'm getting better at purging a lot.

I'm going to see if I can do some homework before my next practice.

<3

Eh, I fell off the restricting. With track practice getting more intense I had to eat. I was doing good with unprocessed foods, lots of veggies and water, etc. but then the last few days at work I ate crap like pizza and a muffin.

Disgusting.

I've been purging a lot though. It's been going great until they caught me at work and thought I was sick and sent me home. Oops.

Sorry I haven't been around. How are you ladies?

<3

Fuck. I binged on a turkey sandwich and pretzels and hummus. I made sure not to get mayo or cheese or anything but still, it fucked up my liquid fast. I'm going to have to workout extra hard tomorrow.

I have a long day of class, work and track so I have to eat. I'm doing what I did on Monday. All veggies, fruits and at the minimum a small piece of grilled chicken or tuna. No carbs. No dairy. Nothing like that.

I know a lot of us binged tonight. It's okay, chins up. We're strong enough to fight through and we'll get it tomorrow.

<3

Oh yeah and everyone on LJ has said I'm too plain and tall to be a model. I asked for honest advice so it's better than lies but... blah. All the more reason to be super skinny. If I'm too tall and too ugly to be a model, being super skinny is the only thing I have going for my body. Sigh.

So last night I wound up eating at work. I work cashier at one of our snack bar/dining hall places and it's pretty much all big sandwiches and fried food (gah onion rings). Instead of getting fries or something like I wanted to I got a small grilled chicken breast. I ate it plain with mustard, tomatoes and onions. Ended up being about 150 calories. I also ate a cookie which I'm most ashamed about. Yuck. But at least I ate nothing fried or packaged like I was SO tempted to do.

So far my liquid fast is going great. Because of the plain coffee and diet coke I drank last night at work I couldn't fall asleep until like 5 am. I ended up sleeping through my first class and staying in bed until like noon. If I don't leave my room I don't eat at all usually which is good. I don't have to work tonight so I'm going to go to bed early so I won't be tempted to binge. I also work at 7 am.

So far I've had...

A sugar free Rockstar 20 cals
Two tablespoons of condensed tomato soup in a bowl of water, heated and mixed up 35 cals
And a lot of water

55 cals? Hell yes.

I also went on an hour and a half walk along the Seekonk River in the rain. I had to go up and down some hills. Not only was it a mild workout it was also relaxing. I came back and cleaned the shit out of my room. After this I'm going to do an ab circuit workout.

Tomorrow I'm going back to eating. I'm going to try what I did yesterday. All veggies and fruits. Lots of water, a little tuna or chicken if I need it. No bread. Absolutely no fried or packaged food. I also start official track work outs tomorrow. Talk about calorie burning!

Hope everyone is staying strong!

<3

So I had to eat with the track team in our dining hall tonight. Here's what I whipped up.

Wrap-
1/2 tablespoon of kidney beans- 10 cals
1/2 teaspoon of dijon mustard- 3 cals
lettuce- negative cals
2 tomato slices - 4 cals
1 ounce of  canned tuna with no dressing- 30 cals
spinach wrap- 80 cals

Salad-
1/2 tablespoon of kidney beans- 10 cals
1 cup of spinach- 6 cals
2 tomato wedges- 6 cals
less than 1 cals worth of vinegar

Dessert-
a cup of wheat bran cereal- 85 cals
2 raisins- 6 cals
a little water on top

And lots of ice water of course.

240 calories, a lot of which are negative. And I feel full! If I could cut the wrap out I'd be down to 160 for a full healthy meal with dessert. I would have done more veggies but our salad bar really sucked today.

Add that to my 100 cals of broth this morning (I got sick on the way to class and threw up. I came back laid in bed and napped. Broth was the only thing that settled my stomach) and I'm still under 400. If I can resist eating at work I'll be money. I'm taking my mug (I get free drinks) and filling it up with black coffee, tea or diet coke. If I sip on that all night and do my reading at the register I should be able to resist my cravings.

Tomorrow I want to do a liquid fast still to make up for binging on Sunday.

I'm back on track.

<3

Add chips and salsa, a few bites of a falafel wrap, a chocolate bar and a fruit roll up to the list yesterday. Oh and beer. Between the Super Bowl (sad day the Pats lost, the streets here in RI were quiet last night) and work (instead of being put in the main register where it's busy and you can't eat, I was at the little side market that sells packaged good bored out of my mind and my roommate brought food when she came and visited me) I screwed up royally.

New rule? If I'm going to binge, never under any circumstances will there be fried food or things like mayo on what I eat. That kind of stuff only makes me feel grosser than regular high cal food.

I'm going on a liquid fast today and tomorrow.

I had some ramen broth already (prob like 150 cals... so bad I know) but I took vitamins this morning and am  also getting sick (I just got over the flu a few weeks ago but am catching what my roommate had this weekend) and wound up having to leave class because I was throwing up. I needed to settle my stomach and it's all that I could get. Hopefully the energy I put into coughing and puking goes against that.

I should be in class but I still feel blah. I'm going to go nap then walk and get some tea. Try to make my afternoon classes.

<3

I just binged on frozen yogurt and fries.

I'm going to go try to purge.

I feel digusting.

Yuck I ate dinner.

1 glass of water with ice (negative cals)
1/2 a glass of diet coke with ice (eating the ice, negative)
A handful of lettuce with carrots, tomatoes kidney beans and plain basalmic vinegar (about 100 cals)
2 slices of peach
1 bite of cottage cheese (combined with the fruit, 100 cals)
1/2 an apple (negative cals)

approx. 200 cals

It was awesome. I was able to sit there in an all you can eat dining hall, watching my friends eat full plates of food. But then I went out to drink.

I got gin to mix with flavored seltzer water (such a good idea, VERY few calories). But then I was tipsy and met up with some friends who took me to our snack bar. My friend was visiting from home (she goes to school in the city) and was asking about what I ate. I told her the track coach was on my ass. She was a little concerned but I distracted her.

I had 1/2 a cup of pasta with sauce, a few spoons of beans and corn, a bag of carrots and ended up drinking close to a light beer. I had a bite of a friends pizza. That's almost 200 extra calories, give or take.

Yuck 400 calories today. I almost got a sandwich but I resisted. I also resisted a fruity vodka drink. I have to be positive and celebrate my victories or it'll get too hard. I also need to stay disciplined.

Being clean off of yay is allowing my uncontrolled manic and depressive episodes (I'm bipolar and off my meds). Great.

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl... beer and food. But I'm either going to go rock climbing or do yoga before. I also want to go on a walk downtown (about 5 miles plus up a HUGE hill) to get some hair dye and a new nose ring. I'm going to a Super Bowl party at the frat I hang out after. I can control any urges to eat. I can be in control.

<3

I've decided to do a week of restriction, starting today. I'm going to stay 200 cals and under with as much negative cal stuff as I can. I live in a dorm still which is both good and bad. Good because I'm not surrounded by food and I live on the far side of our campus and have to walk about 2 miles to get to a dining hall and classes and friends places and do that numerous times a day. Bad because there's lots of pizza, beer and all that other college high cal stuff and general bad habits.

So far...


I'm also taking a daily multivitamin and green tea pills. I'm a DI athlete and getting back into training. I don't want to risk getting hurt again b/c then I can't work out at all (part of why I gained weight back). I love green tea pills (I'm a recovering stimulant addict, so they help me a lot)